Back to School

I see everyone’s pictures on the web. It makes me sad knowing this would be Cole’s second year in college. I think it would have been Julliard. He was a gifted pianist. It’s been over two years and I miss him tremendously. I just can’t phathom more years away from him. I know he wants me to be happy and he sends me all sorta of signs,feathers,coins and songs. It is completely unbearable somedays. I have good days. They are few and far between. It’s just how it is and there is no changing that. You grieve as deeply as you love. I love him to the moon and back. He was my baby boy. Addiction stole him from me. I am thankful for all the work dealing with addiction and getting help that is happining now. I get angry sometimes because there was no help for us back then. I made a pack to help raise awareness and I succeeded. I just wish I didn’t have to loose him. 

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Angelversary 2 year mark

Has it really been two years? My heart still feels like it was just yesterday that I swept your bangs across your forehead and kissed you. Said goodnight and I love you. That was the last time I saw you alive. Everyone is going on with thier lives and I am stuck in a nightmare. There is no where to turn. No where to run. No where to hide. Its a constant pain that will never cease. Now I have you in a marble box. This just isnt how it is suppose to be. How much longer Can I stand missing you ? I cannot tell. I can tell you that I will see you again. I love you to the moon and back my baby boy forever and a day!

June 26

What does that date mean to me? It means the end of My Life as I knew it. The day you left me forever. A day  I wish I could bring back and start over. I cant even begin to heal. How do you heal from the loss of someone so beautiful,So young, carefree,caring,gifted and talented.

Somedays I just cannot shake the fact I am not going to see you again until I die. It makes no sence to me. I am ready when you are. Come get me. I cannot go a day without breaking down. When the tears build up behind my eyes and burn to come forward. Like a stream of hot lava. Crying does not change anything. There is nothing I can do. Whats done is done. 

I can however remember you forever. Keep your memory alive. Pretend you are sitting right beside you as I speak your name. I yell you sometimes but that is nothing new. Im angry somedays that you did this to us. Our family missing a golden slice. 

I will never stop seeing your face in the morning. That once happy smile. The boy who I gave everything too. I sacrificed for your happiness. Your siblings seem to think you were always the spoiled one. The baby. Maybe they are right. Spare the rod spoil the child. You are that spoiled child. I would have given my life for yours. Now I am left with this torturous nightmare that I cannot awake from. 

  

Tired

I am tired of this pain. No God did’nt take another angel. He took my son. My baby boy. It is hard not to be bitter. I meet other Moms on a daily basis, they feel the same way I do. I know it was an accident but I just feel like it was a curse. I lost my cousin Chad when he was 17. I was 19 and that was trying. Now I loose my 17 year old son. Something just seems strange. 

You protect your children every day. You give up your life for theirs. I was young when I had my three. I would not change anything except I would have locked Cole up so he couldnt leave. People really do not understand. I couldnt make his decisions or pick his freinds. Dammit. Life just sucks sometimes. I know I am an old soul.  I have learned and felt everything. I do not want to be reincarnated. I just want to rest. 

Dont be an ass.  Dont say cleche lines just to break the ice. Id rather you just tell me a memory of him. Accept the fact I will never get over this. I will never stop missing him or loving him. Pray to God you make all the right decisions and you never have to live in my hell. 

Never A Day

There’s never a day that the pain goes away there’s never a night that I don’t fight, to keep it all together. Keeping your memory alive is my task now. My heart bleeds tears of saddness. It is ripped beyond repair. You couldnt have known this destruction nor would you have wished it upon me. I cannot go a day with out crying and longing to see you again. I seek solice knowing you are free but my selfish part wants you here with me.  

 

Spring has Sprung

IT is now  the end of April. Robins are talking to me through the screen door. It seems the ducks like our pool cover as well. I can not 

  help but to think about you when they dive down. Swimming. You and swimming. My butterfly man. Varsity swimmer. I just miss YOU. 

I know someday I will see you again but that day will not come soon enough for me. My hearts just aches. Longing to hear your voice I watch home videos of us. I always had the videocamera glued to my hand. I am thankful I did because now I can see and hear you. That special lil boy that turned into a genius musician. 

I do try and go on. I try not to worship your shrine on top your piano. Somedays I just need to. I know you want me happy but I fail to be happy with you.